Personal blog of Peter "Sci" Turpin
Technology, art and personal faff
Sun and warmth helps productivty.
Large ammount of scrap cleared out, several projects progressed, progress made on outstanding orders.
Due to the delays caused by this recent state, I think I’ll be offering a discount to those affected by way of an apology.
I’m currently on something of a mood upswing right now. I’m hardly back to peak though and I think this most recent extreme of low has left a mark. Something’s changed. I don’t want to talk about that though.
My happiness has been eroding away, and a large portion of it is my own fault. I have many friends, but none of them close. I flit between people, forming bonds of association and trying to help whenever someone has a problem. That in itself is the problem for me. I’ve spread myself too thin, been too open to sacrifice my own mental wellbeing, attention, time and even resources to try and help many people in basically trivial ways. Because I’ve wanted to feel I was helping people.
The things I’ve done for people aren’t really anything of signifigant or lasting value; just brief pick-me-ups for them. But collectively they’ve taxed me beyond my limits. I empathise with each situation I get involved in, and it weighs on me. Every time someone rants and raves and gets something off their chest at me, it’s in my heart at that face value, and I can’t take that.
I know people aren’t that open normally. Maybe most people don’t have those childhood hangovers where somewhere subconciously you just want people to like you. And I guess it’s worked that far. I have a lot of people who are basically amiable to me, but few if any I can count on to allways be there.
I’ve reached out to people I’ve helped before, and some of them have listened but nothing ever comes of it. I need support, not just someone to vent to, which is where this imbalance has stemmed from. I throw a lot at people when I’m able, even if it’s just mentally; spending a few hours researching something or digging out the best info on a subject for them. The ear I get in return isn’t enough though. I need assistance, and while the it’s a nice gesture for people to listen it now makes me sick.
Every time someone asks “What’s wrong?” I have to repeat the whole situation, all my fear, ebarassment, anger and desperation. And in doing so I remind myself of how tenuous that connection with them is, because I’ve said it all in bits publically but they haven’t acknowledged. “Hi, well here’s the bloody recap of everything you’ve not been noticing for the last year or so..”
And that reminds me, reinforces how stuck I am in this situation that’s causing the initial pain.
And it makes it worse, reminding me how desperate I must be for help to be reciting all that personal mental sputem to someone who by asking may as well have marked themselves a stranger to me.
It seems the only conversations I have now are hollow, forced and joyless. (That or with people who only contact me when they want to buy something. Not that I should complain, but..) Desperatly clawing for something to talk about just so I’m talking. Conversations online. Phonecalls cost too much, since everyone has mobiles. Everyone’s busy on Skype or imbued with emotions I can’t cope with.
In person it’s so much easier to talk, but getting to where you can talk to people you have something in common with is too costly on my meager finances.
My social network is horrifically unbalanced with so many ghosts, to the point I might almost be better trying to form bonds totally fresh with people I don’t yet know. But I’m not the sort of person now who is going to be pleasent enough to make deep connections to people. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Thought into a corner like every other issue right now. Another person clawing for something or someone to hold onto and finding nothing while the world circles the drain. No one will have the time to deal with someone like that when they are unable to cope themselves.
Now back to trying to get something done. But distracting myself feels so much better, even if doing so is just making things worse.
TLDR: Fun times with teenage 3rd-person rambling.
One of things I’ve been taking on this week is sifting and transcribing the huge pile of old notes I have kicking about. A foot-tall pile of scraps and scrawled-on envelopes.
Most of them are going to be compiled into more succinct lists of ideas, information and so forth. Then the original mess can be tidily burnt, and I can process anything useful out of the notes.
I’ve just finished transcribing this gem though which will be avoiding the burn pile for the time being. It’s a handy reminder of how far I’ve come, even if it does make excruciating reading.
The bit that bugs me the most is that as I started transcribing it I figured it was something I’d written early in high-school, maybe around 13-14 years of age. But no, I hit the point where it talks about being 17 in past-tense. I was 18 years old and wrote like this? How was I never tested for dyslexia?
Maybe that’s for the best anyway considering how I wore my existing faults as a badge of pride then.
Anyway here it is, original spelling and obsession with commas preserved.
Blogging about today. Woo.
The digest plugin has now been turned back on.
When I had to shut it off, I emailed the author to let them know of the problem. I thought this might help in the future whenever they got around to it.
What I didn’t expect was a series of instant email replies. the first within a few hours, the next couple rapid-fire as he found his own versions were displaying the same bug.
A day later and an updated version of Twitter Digest is available! And so far it seems to be working.
Very unexpected, and very welcome!
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This morning my sister noticed a package for me stuffed behind the bins. Something to call the Royal Mail’s customer service line about, especially as there are 4 of us in the house at all times this week, and no one rang the bell.
The package turned out to be the “6 day delivery” cheapo ATX power supply I bought on ebay on sunday night for £20 including postage. It’s 650Watt and arrived in an unmarked box, with the supplies warrently label pre-voided, which is a concern. But since the old PSU was again unable to start this morning (it has had a problem with the 5v standby voltage), I swapped it in and it works. Phew!
The main PC is now somewhat more reliable.
The GU10 50Watt Dichoric halogens have also arrived, which will replace the blown ones in the portable lightbox and let me take product shots again.
As well, the Morse #2 Taper finishing reamer arrived, which will hopefully get the mill spindle back in shape. If not I’ll have to find a roughing reamer or taper-drill to give it an even more severe reaming. I should note though that finding a supplier online of those items is difficult, particularly the drill. What are you supposed to search for? “Morse taper drill” will give you thousands of drill bits with more taper shanks, but not intended to drill a morse-tapered hole. As best I can tell there’s no unique name for them.
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Made myself a very nice dinner tonight; seafood in cream and white wine, served on a bed of rice.
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I’m trying to relax after RBW so I can start doing things over from scratch the right way. Today felt all right. There was a peculiar predatory intensity in me. Oddly this may have simply have been down to clearing through my wardrobe and removing all the over-sized and poorly fitting items.
Result? Knowledge that whatever I pick, I’m going to look better in it that I would with the other items.
Have I really been that careless in my wardrobe choices? The collar was the only thing close to fitting me on some of these shirts. Jeez.
Thinking about what really makes a healthy friendship and what doesn’t.
I’ve had some realisations about people I know lately, and some accusations I’ve been harsh. Yes I have been, but I feel with good reason.
When someone says they’re in trouble or pain, it seems rude to say you’re sitting and waiting for them to come to you to talk. They’ve acknowledged that help is needed. But instead of following through on that, they insist you still need to come to them. You still need to instigate it further. They’re not willing to contact you even though they’ve told you they know you’re hurting.
Even when you’re down, you’ve still got to be the one to put in the effort.
They’re willing to feign sympathy, but only on their terms.
And yes, more than one person has offered this. Interestingly they seldom actually have the time if you do try to contact them. It seems the offer is often just lip-service to make themselves feel or look good for offering, with no real intent to do more than a cursory nod, or worse voyeurism and/or use it as a vector to air their own issues at a captive audience.
Another thing is that friendships need maintenance. If you don’t talk to someone for a year, should you really expect them to be the same as when you last spoke? Should you have expected a neglected feeling of connection to remain as strong? Should I be just as willing to discuss all the same intimacies of my life with those people as I might have been a year apart ago?
When people I haven’t spoken to in a long time start offering random advice, it inevitably means having to recap the entirety of the situation, reinforcing it, digging up the same crushing feelings over and over. And I’m sick of that.
If you haven’t paid attention to what I’ve been saying up until now, why should I emotionally kick myself in the head all over again for you? I’ll stop short of saying that friends would pay attention to these things, because no one has the time to pay attention to everything. But I document stuff frequently, particularly my emotional states, the majority of my thoughts and actions go in public places, and I’m aware I have distinct behavioural quirks and mannerisms. But seldom do I hear advice from anyone who seems to have noticed these things.
It’s like being offered a meal at a steakhouse restaurant by someone saying they’re a “good friend” who yet somehow doesn’t even know you’re vegetarian.
It would be unfair to say my recent outbursts have been a “test”. They’ve been real, but at the same time I feel guilty about expressing them because I’m also aware of the connotations and reactions they may provoke.
(Generic comments from most, silence from others I emotionally wanted replies from, and a couple of jewels of hope from a few unexpected quarters.)
It’s sickening knowing you’re publicly letting go of what self control you’ve managed to regain because no one takes someone in need seriously unless they finally crack completely.
I comment mostly for myself, to create a log of my life and maybe get some feedback on some of it. I’ve long been sick of being the person who has to make the phonecalls, or send the messages to keep friendships alive. When I stopped doing that, people drifted away, which gives a fine marker on the existing strength of those friendships I suppose. A one-sided friendship is not a friendship.
Some people however have made me realise that I’ve become someone who only talks about work and stress.
I knew it was a problem, but when even people outside your expected social arena mention it, it really hits home. So did some people stop talking to me because of that? Well thankyou for mentioning it sooner if that’s the case. That’s worse than just drifting away; you knew something was going wrong and didn’t mention it.
Thankyou to those who’ve offered real help and advice, and acknowledged me as a sapient individual rather than a generic advice-column letter. You’ve helped more than it may be apparent.
To the rest, you’ve helped me realise what friends are supposed to act like, and that I’ve confused friends and acquaintances for some time.
I’m still unwell, and trying to find my way back to something like the healthy mindspace I had three years ago, before I began letting myself become focussed on just this one thing. I intend to take a break of sorts after RBW and go visit some people, where I hope I can relax a bit and remind myself of things that aren’t work-related.
And while I may still be a generic background character to most, I’m glad I’m not to all. I’m not intending to waste my time on people who treat me as if I am. I am worth more than that.
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I also acknowledge this entry will likely cause both upset and anger in certain groups. It can’t be helped.