Posts tagged: depression

Oct 05 2010

Misery loves company

The last month has not been good.

It’s actually been over a month now when I finally decided to do something about the increasing number of heart palpitations and the trouble breathing I’d been having. My blood pressure was apparently fine, but since I was getting joint pain as well, I was sent for blood tests.
While I was waiting for the results I found they lessened when I had a bit to drink. As the tests eventually came back clear, it seemed to confirm the symptoms were psychosomatic; a direct reaction to stress. It also dawned on me that the feelings were so much like the start of a panic attack, but they lingered for hours on end.
A fortnight later and I still have the same continual symptoms. For a week of that I tried lessening it with alcohol, but by the end of the week it already had little effect, to the point I was sober from a bottle of wine to myself in a few hours.
I became increasingly aware that it got worse when I tried to work by myself. It became obvious that I’d finally hit some psychological stress limit from working on my own with no reward.
Getting some personal things, like new glasses and dental checks done, helped a bit. I looked forward to going to the LF meet at the weekend. And sabotaged it. Again I took the portable shop with me, and again I tethered myself to a single table to run it. The final nail was two friends inviting me out at the end of the day, and not being able to with the millstone in tow.

During this time I tweeted about it, and got minimal response. I was getting desperate and increasingly feeling that I was being ignored. A background character in everyones lives, these people who claimed to be friends. I decided there wasn’t much to loose, just let go of my sense of control and let myself fully emo-up. To let myself freak out.

Admitting you’re in a very bad place makes you paranoid. It makes you repress any good feelings you do have because you fear it’ll make you seem like a liar if someone sees you in that moment. And while people did sit up and attempt to start helping, every bit has been tainted with the knowledge that I had to literally jump up and down in front of them to get them to notice I was in pain. No one noticed things slowly getting worse? My mood darkening? Am I that forgettable?
Everyone keeps saying I should ask for help if I need it. And every time I do, I’m told it’s something I need to do for myself.

I did manage to meet with a couple of friends, and it did help for a bit. I tried to rest as they advised and it helped more. But each time I’ve tried to get even a small amount of work done I’ve been overwhelmed with the futility of it. Everything seems insurmountable.

Everyone offers the same advice, and having to explain the same facts of the situation over and over again to purported friends who haven’t paid a blind bit of attention until I started yelling I was hurting, just rubs it in.

Here’s what’s happened.
Yes I’ve tried that. And that. And that.
No, that won’t work because of this. And this. I need to do THIS. Ah, you can’t help with that then?

I had hoped the amount of help I’ve tried to give other people in the past decade might have amounted to something, and while I have had some help from more recent quarters, it still feels like the last ten years have been something of a waste in regard to the friendships made.

The words on this screen are hollow and meaningless. It seems so many of them are easily typed and forgotten. So many I know are happy for relations to remain that distant.
Is it really so much to ask for a few real words, or the human touch again?

I’m tired of all this.

Jul 10 2010

Jesse’s Diets – Day 1

This week I shall mostly be eating the unknown.

Due to my prolonged period of poor finances, this week took an extra bad turn in the form of exceeding my overdraft by a tenner as my card repayment came out. And this will accumulate in the form of a £25 Payment review fee and £15 for exceeding overdraft fine for three days (at £5 a day), as well as the usual overdraft usage fees and interest payable on the overdraft.

The upshot is that I can’t buy food this week.

But I was supposed to be in that same situation last week wasn’t I? Yes, and if I hadn’t I wouldn’t now be staring at an extra £40 hole in my accounts. And when you only get £50 a week, that’s rather a lot.

(If you’re curious why I’m not simply paying myself more it’s because the business coffers, while a lot healthier than they were, still have a long way to go before I can pay myself anything out of them. The only steady “income” I currently take from the business is £25 a month to one of the credit cards minimum payments. I live day to day entirely on my tax credit payments, while all the money I make is immediately reinvested into the business to try and build it further and faster. Hopefully with a view of getting that comfortable income from it before I become ineligible for said tax credits.)

Now, I should have nearly a fiver in my penny jars, and if things get desperate I can borrow something from the business kitty. Also my dad has kindly offered to loan me the money to repay the credit cards (which were originally only gotten because I was told I wasn’t eligible for a business loan) which I’ll only have to repay to him with the equivalent lost interest, which will remove some pressure. But that will still take months to arrange.

I hate accepting charity. It’s a mark of personal failure in survival terms. And this comes as close as I ever have to that. Psychologically I don’t have much to loose now. It’s relieving in a sickening sort of way.

So my survival task this week is not only to complete more business projects, but do so while living on a budget of about £4.92 and whatever I have in my cupboards. And it will be a challenge. Adapting recipes I can do, coming up with recipes from scratch I can do too. Cobbling together from what’s on hand for some reason I’m not so good at. But adversity breeds creativity, right? Hopefully more interesting than soup+pasta.

Friday 9th

Tonight’s dinner was a baked potato with a healthy dollop of butter and caramelised onions. It worked together pretty well. Simple but tasty. My granddads old advice about cooking the onions slowly worked very well.

I also bottled up the Elderflower Champagne I started brewing last week by this recipe. It’s bucket-brew week had developed it a healthy crust that came away with the use of only two wooden spoons. All bottled in Grolsh-style bottles I scavenged from a home-brew clear-out some years back.

They’re all stored away inside the old cast-iron stove now, where it’s cool and dark. And where any pressure related bottle explosions will be neatly contained. It smelt nice though, and what little I tasted from the spills tasted all right. Not like cats piss at all.

Tomorrow I’ll have to attack the ornamental plum tree in the alleyway. The fruit may be small, but it’s very tastey. The low-hanging fruit’s all gone, so I’ll cut a snag in some PVC pipe and use it to snare them. Hopefully they’ll run down the centre of the pipe and into a bag on the end.

I have a fair amount of old frozen veg in the freezer, some dried pasta and rice, and a few odd tinned things. I’ll be able to eat, I just don’t want to make endless things that are nutritious but flavourless mush.

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