Category: Thoughts

Jul 04 2012

“What’s wrong?”

I’m currently on something of a mood upswing right now. I’m hardly back to peak though and I think this most recent extreme of low has left a mark. Something’s changed. I don’t want to talk about that though.

My happiness has been eroding away, and a large portion of it is my own fault. I have many friends, but none of them close. I flit between people, forming bonds of association and trying to help whenever someone has a problem. That in itself is the problem for me. I’ve spread myself too thin, been too open to sacrifice my own mental wellbeing, attention, time and even resources to try and help many people in basically trivial ways. Because I’ve wanted to feel I was helping people.

The things I’ve done for people aren’t really anything of signifigant or lasting value; just brief pick-me-ups for them. But collectively they’ve taxed me beyond my limits. I empathise with each situation I get involved in, and it weighs on me. Every time someone rants and raves and gets something off their chest at me, it’s in my heart at that face value, and I can’t take that.

I know people aren’t that open normally. Maybe most people don’t have those childhood hangovers where somewhere subconciously you just want people to like you. And I guess it’s worked that far. I have a lot of people who are basically amiable to me, but few if any I can count on to allways be there.

I’ve reached out to people I’ve helped before, and some of them have listened but nothing ever comes of it. I need support, not just someone to vent to, which is where this imbalance has stemmed from. I throw a lot at people when I’m able, even if it’s just mentally; spending a few hours researching something or digging out the best info on a subject for them. The ear I get in return isn’t enough though. I need assistance, and while the it’s a nice gesture for people to listen it now makes me sick.

Every time someone asks “What’s wrong?” I have to repeat the whole situation, all my fear, ebarassment, anger and desperation. And in doing so I remind myself of how tenuous that connection with them is, because I’ve said it all in bits publically but they haven’t acknowledged. “Hi, well here’s the bloody recap of everything you’ve not been noticing for the last year or so..”

And that reminds me, reinforces how stuck I am in this situation that’s causing the initial pain.

And it makes it worse, reminding me how desperate I must be for help to be reciting all that personal mental sputem to someone who by asking may as well have marked themselves a stranger to me.

 

It seems the only conversations I have now are hollow, forced and joyless. (That or with people who only contact me when they want to buy something. Not that I should complain, but..) Desperatly clawing for something to talk about just so I’m talking. Conversations online. Phonecalls cost too much, since everyone has mobiles. Everyone’s busy on Skype or imbued with emotions I can’t cope with.

In person it’s so much easier to talk, but getting to where you can talk to people you have something in common with is too costly on my meager finances.

 

My social network is horrifically unbalanced with so many ghosts, to the point I might almost be better trying to form bonds totally fresh with people I don’t yet know. But I’m not the sort of person now who is going to be pleasent enough to make deep connections to people. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Thought into a corner like every other issue right now. Another person clawing for something or someone to hold onto and finding nothing while the world circles the drain. No one will have the time to deal with someone like that when they are unable to cope themselves.

Now back to trying to get something done. But distracting myself feels so much better, even if doing so is just making things worse.

Jun 18 2012

Reasonably sure that a sign of irreversable failure in a government is when, seeing consistant or increasing failures in proceedure, the rules are changed to furthur embed those procedures rather than correct or replace them. It seems to be a pattern where a countries governmental system as an entity becomes tired of dealing with corrective matters stemming from their previous choices and simply decides to make the reporting of the problems harder. From the perspective of that system, the problems suddenly decrease massively and the act is considered a sucess, whereas outside it the system has lost all ability to get feedback for poor choices and now is destined to head on toward catastrophic and unseen failure.

A metaphor might be someone throwing out their bathroom scales because they don’t want to think of the weight they’re putting on. Or company management firing anyone who complains. Someone moving the suggestion-box to the top floor. Making people loose their income if they complain about their working conditions.

I’m sure there’s plenty more.

Jan 17 2012

When I read about how prepared homes in Canada are for cold weather, it makes sturdy brick common in UK houses feel more like ancient stone. And the more I think of it the more I think of stereotypical Transylvania; the dark dank streets, suspicious and isolationist serfs wandering around in cheap tatty clothing, old and imposing little forts of homes, owners ready and primed to shut the curtains at visual intrusion.

Is it that hard to imagine the UK falling into a second Dickensian age?

Jan 11 2012

On realising things

Got a realisation brewing. Can feel it on the edges of my forebrain.

A lack of realisations fuels conspiracy I feel. Most modern conspiracies (EG; 9/11:”the government did it”) stem from seeing some entity profit from it in a way that could only be done by having prior-knowledge of the event. But that’s wrong, because we haven’t realised just how good at wringing a profit from ANY event large entities are. They got to be large because they’re so good at exploiting any and all events.

Most people have had the feeling that goes along with a realisation before. That of walking into a massive room and having the lights switched on. That feeling of, while not comprehending it completely, you first start to see the many magnitudes of scale larger the reach of that thing is. That moment more of humbling shock than of clarity.

Something’s brewing about the idea of “fairness” or lessening suffering I think.

Jan 10 2012

Video capture stuff!

So I’ve been trying to find an affordable video editor to avoid the mutlitude of format-incompatibilities with the various freeware I’ve tried so far. A few days ago I installed “VideoPad” which until the 15th of Jan is on 30% discount making it about £45.

Of course that’s £45 I shouldn’t be spending, but.. well some quick and dirty edits seem to show it working fine merging videos of different resolutions and framerates. Okay framerate conversion is rather rough looking, but whatever it’s doing it’s FAR more tollerant than the other programs I tried (remember the one that wouldn’t combine clips because one was 30fps and the other was 30.00003fps? Or had the codec info case-sensitive so it thought they were different formats?).

The built-in capture util sadly wouldn’t let me change the video card input port. But NCH bundle their software to link-out to associated software. I clicked the link within VideoPad for “Golden Videos” a small capture program intended for capturing from tapes. But best of all it actually fucking works with my RealTek soundcard AND captures without dropping frames at full PAL resolution.

I have litterally been in tears of joy, because since I switched to Windows XP I have tried everything I could think of to get full-frame full-rate capture working. The best I’d been able to manage was installing an old copy of WinDVR to capture to mpeg2 and to disable onboard sound, instead throwing in an old (noisey) PCI Soundblaster card. And that had even odds of bluescreening the machine every time you started the program.

More than 6 years trying to fix one issue and a solution just dropped in my lap.

Okay this program’s ripping to Xvid rather than uncompressed, but it looks better than mpeg.

I’ve ripped a few old tapes to the PC now. Some are very good looking, others not so much. The Furry-artist interviews I did at that convention in the USA have suffered quite badly, as the camera did not travel well and started conking out at points due to temp/humidity, as well as being set to LP for a large portion. The audio, with a few FZZZTs asside, is actually very good though. It’s given me the idea to chop the unwatchable portions of video and fill them with sketch-animatics of the artists and other reference images. It could actually work quite well in the end.

Mostly I’m glad I found the impromtu interview with Ashryn. I thought it was the last thing I recorded there and since it wasn’t after the last “proper” interview on the last tape, I assumed I must have done the whole interview without pressing record somehow. But no, just got the order mixed up in my mind and it’s still there.

I should be able to do something good with this, even if it is 6 years later than I’d intended.

Also found video of my grandfather showing how to make his famous apple tarts, and some footage of one of his birthday parties. Is bittersweet to watch.

And ancient footage, even a short bit of the folk I worked for down in Hastings when I first got a video camera (not the huge one I got later), followed by the big Exeter Therians meet back in 2001.

Lot of lost history on these tapes. Just like the lost chat-logs and photos I’ve saved from the old tiny HDs.

So many things that were lost and gone are suddenly found.

 

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