I’m currently on something of a mood upswing right now. I’m hardly back to peak though and I think this most recent extreme of low has left a mark. Something’s changed. I don’t want to talk about that though.
My happiness has been eroding away, and a large portion of it is my own fault. I have many friends, but none of them close. I flit between people, forming bonds of association and trying to help whenever someone has a problem. That in itself is the problem for me. I’ve spread myself too thin, been too open to sacrifice my own mental wellbeing, attention, time and even resources to try and help many people in basically trivial ways. Because I’ve wanted to feel I was helping people.
The things I’ve done for people aren’t really anything of signifigant or lasting value; just brief pick-me-ups for them. But collectively they’ve taxed me beyond my limits. I empathise with each situation I get involved in, and it weighs on me. Every time someone rants and raves and gets something off their chest at me, it’s in my heart at that face value, and I can’t take that.
I know people aren’t that open normally. Maybe most people don’t have those childhood hangovers where somewhere subconciously you just want people to like you. And I guess it’s worked that far. I have a lot of people who are basically amiable to me, but few if any I can count on to allways be there.
I’ve reached out to people I’ve helped before, and some of them have listened but nothing ever comes of it. I need support, not just someone to vent to, which is where this imbalance has stemmed from. I throw a lot at people when I’m able, even if it’s just mentally; spending a few hours researching something or digging out the best info on a subject for them. The ear I get in return isn’t enough though. I need assistance, and while the it’s a nice gesture for people to listen it now makes me sick.
Every time someone asks “What’s wrong?” I have to repeat the whole situation, all my fear, ebarassment, anger and desperation. And in doing so I remind myself of how tenuous that connection with them is, because I’ve said it all in bits publically but they haven’t acknowledged. “Hi, well here’s the bloody recap of everything you’ve not been noticing for the last year or so..”
And that reminds me, reinforces how stuck I am in this situation that’s causing the initial pain.
And it makes it worse, reminding me how desperate I must be for help to be reciting all that personal mental sputem to someone who by asking may as well have marked themselves a stranger to me.
It seems the only conversations I have now are hollow, forced and joyless. (That or with people who only contact me when they want to buy something. Not that I should complain, but..) Desperatly clawing for something to talk about just so I’m talking. Conversations online. Phonecalls cost too much, since everyone has mobiles. Everyone’s busy on Skype or imbued with emotions I can’t cope with.
In person it’s so much easier to talk, but getting to where you can talk to people you have something in common with is too costly on my meager finances.
My social network is horrifically unbalanced with so many ghosts, to the point I might almost be better trying to form bonds totally fresh with people I don’t yet know. But I’m not the sort of person now who is going to be pleasent enough to make deep connections to people. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Thought into a corner like every other issue right now. Another person clawing for something or someone to hold onto and finding nothing while the world circles the drain. No one will have the time to deal with someone like that when they are unable to cope themselves.
Now back to trying to get something done. But distracting myself feels so much better, even if doing so is just making things worse.