Nov 18 2010

Sci, you were a massive dofus.

One of things I’ve been taking on this week is sifting and transcribing the huge pile of old notes I have kicking about. A foot-tall pile of scraps and scrawled-on envelopes.
Most of them are going to be compiled into more succinct lists of ideas, information and so forth. Then the original mess can be tidily burnt, and I can process anything useful out of the notes.

I’ve just finished transcribing this gem though which will be avoiding the burn pile for the time being. It’s a handy reminder of how far I’ve come, even if it does make excruciating reading.

The bit that bugs me the most is that as I started transcribing it I figured it was something I’d written early in high-school, maybe around 13-14 years of age. But no, I hit the point where it talks about being 17 in past-tense. I was 18 years old and wrote like this? How was I never tested for dyslexia?
Maybe that’s for the best anyway considering how I wore my existing faults as a badge of pride then.

Anyway here it is, original spelling and obsession with commas preserved.

Me:- The Phycological Development, Profile and Prospects of Peter Turpin

I early life the prime motivating force in Peters life was to be good reinforced with punishment for disobeying. The best was to avoid punishment, he found, was to do nothing. this consisted of watching a large colour TV. The fact that the TV was so large in preportion to the child, gave it a high degree of fascination. This placed a strong command root in his phyci resulting in a fascination with electronic devices and the excitment they could provide.
These events led to the primary development of his Ego and Superego. The fact the TV was indoors meant he spent a lot of time indoors. The resulting lack of social interaction caused an almost complete lack of social skills.
Unable to deal or communicate, school was an instant Hell. He spent all the time he could indoors reading and watching TV. the difference he represented to the other children provoced an imediate hostile reaction. Because he had developed no barriers against attack, due to lack of social interaction, he took all the insults and taunts deeply to heart.
With, fighting back being taught as a bad thing, he could not. The only thing he could do was to go back to the happy images the TV supplyed, and so a viscious circle was created.
The vast amounts of information and internal thought inside his mind resulted in it being constantly recombined and reformed into ideas. As he told his parents, through the pictures he drew, he recieved crucial positive reinforcement. So he began to seek out the information he needed to gain the reinforcement.
This developed into an obsession with finding out how things worked, mainly toasters. Many years later this obsesion would suddenly subside, as his interest in fiction and comics suddenly increased, age 17, though not before he had enrolled for an engineering college coarse.
The following event had a major phycological impact as up until this point he had, had no real positive roal model. His Dad was constantly away and his mother was, well, his mother. His discovery of the comics and TV cartoon seris “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” was akin to brain washing, for the first time fighting could be good. Provided it was for the right reason. This turned to a breaking point. He would hold back until he couldn’t stand to any more, when he would release his anger will all the force he could. Always more than nessesary.
The role model was a late addition to the series characters. An anthropomorphic fox female called “Ninjara”. There were many reasons why this character had had sutch an effect. The character had iniliaty been bad, but was changed by personal realisation, to a good character. Also the character had a full range of emotions that had been better thought out than the others. These two combined with the fact that she was female at a time where Peter was first starting to realise about Sex and relationships, caused him to conect anthropomorphs with hope, emotional security and love. This has the net result that his mind conects better with anthropomorphs than with real people. He feels more at home and comfortable with them, even though they do not exist.
This deeply ingrained feeling will undoubtably lead to serious proplems with any future long term relationships, if any.
The final current peice in the puzzle, is rooted back to his overactive imagination and facination with fiction. The combanation of these two exteme factors, means his mind is constantly walking a very thin line between fantasy and reality.
He constantly drifts into an almost trance like state when thinking of stories or ideas, he also easily becomes obsesed by things and is subject to occasional halaucinations. Nothing partciularly interesting though.
Fortunatly, the analitical part of his mind is hanging on and he is capable of a remarkable degree of self analysis. This keeps him from straying too far from the norm, though it may not be perminant.
As for his future, the intrest in fiction and anthropomorphics will probably continue to increase, and he would like to write his own story/comic. His current sub-interest with paralell worlds theory may cause him at some point to try and find a way to get to a world of his dreams. This may be more likely than it sounds as he thinks he may have found a way.
However, should neither of these plans come to fruition he probably won’t be able to cope for very long. At least one suiside attempt is possible, though he feels he may not live long anyway.
Only slightly better is that if he did publish his storys he would probably become extremly exenctric if not insane. His future does not look bright unless he could have some sort of adventure, to show him the prospects of this world, as it is unlikly anything else will do.
The final glimmer of hope is that he has an all exepting personality and is very possive, so phycological trauma no-longer has any effect.

Dofus is probably an understatement. I was a massively pretentious furfag who self-rationalised his delusions and flaws at the same time, alongside a healthy dose of hyperbole.
This one’s a keeper. It’s a good bit of perspective, even if it’s nauseatingly gut-wrenching to read.

TLDR: Fun times with teenage 3rd-person rambling.

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